were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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