It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
