i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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