my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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