Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
