I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
