i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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