2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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