Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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