Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
