im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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