I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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