i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
