I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
