Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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