Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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