There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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