OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
