I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
