You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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