My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
