You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
