I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
