Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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