i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
