Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
