I haven't been this sober since birth.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
