did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
