come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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