They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
