you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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