are you still at the devil's house?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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