hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
