How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
