Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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