If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
