She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
