I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
