My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
