I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
