i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
