Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
