the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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