I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
