thus making me awesome and them whores
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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