so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
