i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
