Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
