You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
