My boss' voice literally gives me gas
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
